I have wrestled with this post for quite awhile now… every time I came to type, my post was fueled by anger, bitterness, and the need to be justified and I would end up hitting the backspace key on.it.all… and in tears. It wasn’t time to share… and I knew it! I hated that!
I believe God had to let me heal from some deep wounds before I could represent HIM clearly… and make this post about HIM and His Glory to be seen throughout all of this,.. before I could actually write about it.
I was sent a video recently of a widowed mother of three. She was only 25 at the time of her husbands unexpected death. To say she was devastated would be an understatement. She said something that spoke to me… it was that she cried out to God during her pain… crying not for the pain to STOP, but, that the pain would be used to further HIS Kingdom. She said,. … “If one would come to know YOU Lord, .. through my pain….. and my husbands’ death… then it would be worth it! Don’t let my pain… be in vain.”
And,.. it hit me. This pain that we’ve felt,..that Isaiah has felt from early trauma…..that it would all be in vain,.. if no one knew the story of how it came to be… of how GOD displayed His presence throughout the whole thing! My, how we would ALL miss the point of it all! We don’t want that to happen! We never ever want to sell God short on anything!
I will type this with honesty and integrity and in the most polite way I know how.. to honor my God and the Great Things HE has done for both Isaiah and our family.
LORD, I pray RIGHT NOW as I type and as those who are reading this that my words would be used to give YOU Glory only!! May this post be used to further YOUR Kingdom and to bring peace to our community… and beyond. Bind up the evil one Lord, for we know that we wrestle with not flesh and blood, but with the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. (Ephesians 6:12)
Lord Please,… as the widowed mother said.. don’t let our pain be in vain. In your name I pray! Amen!
This time last year was a very hard HARD season for us. Dealing with issues in our home and praying that God would help us… give us eyes to see “how to handle this”. What do we do, Lord? First.. I praise GOD for a praying husband! A true MAN of GOD! When I began this journey of life with him many years ago,… I knew he made no big decision without the prayers to a HOLY GOD for help and guidance. That is one of the BEST things about Matt. He is a passionate man for the heart of GOD and his people! He has always led this family with a fierce love and fear of the Lord! I believe, ..with all my heart,.. that is why our family has stayed intact through it all.
Praise the LORD. Blessed are those who fear the LORD, who find great delight in his commands. Psalm 112:1
As my hurt, bruised, little family sat in the Therapist office, after a long hard season… the therapist commended us both for raising our children in a Godly home, and for protecting them,…ALL of them… no matter the cost. She said,,..”You know it is obvious that God is with you all,.. and your family is still intact because of your GREAT Faith in HIM,…and in time.. these wounds will heal.” She encouraged us in our walk, and in our parenting. Deep down, I knew, Matt was the head of the house, and it was only by his leading…his home… in a Godly way.. that we were able to still be together. I can NEVER thank my GOD enough for that Wonderful man of mine. I’m Thankful to call him my BEST FRIEND! There were many MANY nights, that he would just hold me ,.. and listen to me cry.. and my asking why??? to answer’s that he didn’t even have.. but he pointed me to the ONE who had them all!!!! He encouraged me to never stop loving this son, that was so difficult to parent,.. and to NEVER stop telling him of a GOD that LOVED him fiercely. He “got” my hurt. He “got” my pain. He felt every bit of it. He held nothing back. He supported me with everything. He stood up when lies were being told to him about me. He stood up when his other children were not being treated the way GOD would have them to be treated and every time he disciplines our children… he had scripture to back it up! He told this child of a God that Loved him and wanted way better for him than the path he was on. Praise you Lord, for this wonderful Godly man, father, brother in Christ, and husband.
No one knows, what we’ve been through. Many who hear it, don’t believe it. But, they were not in our home, and haven’t a clue to what a day would look like for us… much less know what to do when faced with such a difficult decision. Many claim what they would do…
Our story is much like the fable told of the man at sea with his two children. He made the decision to put one who couldn’t swim on the buoy and leave him there while he went to the sea and rescue the other. Regardless, of the decision.. is it truly a “win win”?? What if one child got swept out to sea?? What if you lost your life and now have two kids …fatherless? What if one child slipped off the buoy? There are lots of variables and “what if’s”. I’ve always thought… you know.. I just hope I never have to make that decision. But, obviously, a decision had to be made.
For us, we prayerfully sought God in every twist and turn. Nothing we did was flippant. We drew near to HIM! The Bible says.. ” Draw near to him and he will draw near to you.” (James 4:8) We cried out to him for a long time. We obediently prayed and sought Him.. and I believe it was through those fervent prayers that a Godly family was found for Isaiah.
We had been told by the therapist that sometimes,.. with a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, the “second” family has a better chance at attachment with them. Unfortunately, for us, Isaiah blamed his abandonment in China on us. It also didn’t help matters that we had pictures with him and had met him while in China to adopt Faith. For him.. the lies that the enemy had told,.. by seeing the pictures of us holding him at 1 year old.. and then not getting him until he was 6 years old.. made him even MORE convinced that we had left him.
That was clearly .. not the case! No matter how many times, we told him, therapist told him, … prayer… nothing could ever convince him of the truth. He was stuck. That produced an extreme amount of hate towards us, and ultimately he wanted out of our family. From that, he tried anything and everything he could to make that happen.
I was in contact with a friend who knew of his disorder. She tried to help get him to a special facility that even specialized in R.A.D. That didn’t happen,.. and he was put in a facility that just tried to basically give him coping skills for his outburst of anger. In this facility, it looked much like an orphanage. No real Mommy or Daddy or siblings there that told you they love you. No having to obey someone you despised. He showed no sign of the rages and even though he stated he didn’t want to go home, our insurance was settled to release him. Though his treatment plan at the facility stated 3 months at the least.
At this time we tried to find children’s homes to place him in for which they would not take him because if he was a threat to his family… he would be to the others in the facility. They would not take him under his condition. We felt as though the walls were closing in on us. We continued to pray and trust. This friend and I were on the phone one day and she suggested another family adopting him. She asked had I ever thought about it. Thought about it …and heard of it earlier, yes…but, only for a half-second because that was never an option we were willing to take at that time. But, now,.. this time was different. I agreed to let her see if she knew of any families that were interested in adopting an older child.
In my heart, I just knew,.. she would never find one. That was far fetched.for a family to be found.. especially given his history…or so I thought. So, we prayed as we waited.
I remember specifically the day… I heard God speak to me. We were at church, and it was during an odd time… it was during the “welcome” time. I heard a voice ask “Do you trust me?” I paused in my pew and thought… what?
I heard it again.. “Do you trust me?” I said (in my head of course otherwise someone would assume I was crazy) “Lord, is that you?“
I heard for the third time.. “Do you trust me?”
I knew instantaneously, that the Lord was speaking.. for which I like Peter said..
“YES, Lord.. I trust You!… I mean.. of course I do!”
Then, as quick as the question came… it was gone.. and there was silence.
I told Matt about the weird question that afternoon. We continued to pray and by this time had appointed prayer warriors to pray specifically.
The next day.. I got a call from my friend. She wept as she told me she had a family that was interested in adopting Isaiah. I know it must have been hard for her. I’m sure her emotions were torn. She began to tell me about this family and honestly… it was like they were too good to be true. A Christian family, a godly home, older children in the home… always wanted to adopt….
I remember her crying and my sheer and utter shock. I was numb. As I hung up the phone, I began to process what had just happened and in that moment I knew WHY God had asked me “Do you trust me?”
This was NOT what I wanted! This was NOT what WE wanted!!
We had not prayed for this! I remember telling Matt and just crying… and he was like.. “ok… calm down… we haven’t spoken with the family yet. .don’t jump to conclusions.” But I knew… that it was already done. I knew about me hearing God the day before and I explained to him that I know God was preparing my heart.. for THIS news! The next few days were a blur to me. I honestly don’t remember much except for crying and hearing my kids ask me “Momma, is everything ok?” Trying to hold it together was impossible without God. I’ve always heard of the ” Footprints in the Sand” poem but, truly had never REALLY understood how that felt. To be held.. by God himself. For it was God who carried me when I couldn’t even stand.
Then the time came .. we wanted to speak with the prospective family. We wanted to know about them… and explain about his issues that we had had, but they also knew that we LOVED HIM! This was NEVER about a lack of LOVE! We knew that this was the last thing…. the last resort for attachment for him was another family. But, we hated it. We were angry. We felt robbed. It was like a death… but, worse.
After starting off with praying with the other family… we began to talk. They were perfect. A sweet family. A good home. I was heartbroken. We were heartbroken. So many questions? WHY Lord, can’t he stay with us? Why are we not good enough? Is this your will? We sat there and talked after our conversation… and we thought well, it’s in the Lord’s hands now. We prayed that God would show us the way.
Within a few days it was final. They wanted to adopt him for sure… and were already in the process of making that happen.
And just like that… our prayers were answered… but, not like we’d hoped. You see, we had hoped for something very different. We struggled with that.. but knew we had peace about letting him be adopted by this family. This Christian family. We knew they were sent by God. I remember my sweet sister telling me.. “Keisha, maybe you and Matt were just the vessel God used to get him to this family” Since then, God has confirmed that statement many times through his people. We have peace about the decision to give up our rights to this family for adoption.
I never dreamed I would be here. Never in a million years, would I have told you 4 years ago, that this would be how the story would end with Isaiah. I had so much planned. I had so many dreams… that went **Poof**…right before my eyes. That “What I thought was the perfect family picture” just slipped right through my hands. We had a choice.. sure. We could have denied the whole thing and said NO, and demand that our family live in separate homes, to keep everyone safe and we visit one another each day and eventually, it would work.. WE would make it work.but..
God said.. NO.
Point. blank. end .of .story. NO!
I somewhat understand why some are mad at us. They don’t like the way it all turned out. They don’t like what happened. So they look for someone to blame. It must be someone’s fault.. right?
Hey, just so you know… we didn’t like it either, but
We felt that for the sake of our other three in the home, and as well as Isaiah having a chance for attachment.. this was what God was showing us to do. We PRAYERFULLY sought God through it all and because of that we have no regrets. We miss him. Our family misses him, but we know that GOD has a plan and that he is much loved and well taken care of. We are Thankful to God.
When you put your Faith in a God that CAN… we will show you he CAN.
That’s what he’s done for us. He’s shown us over and over that he is in control and just as Romans 8:28 says
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
He is working this to the good.. for us all… Isaiah and our family. We know that God has Great Plans for him. We pray for him and for his new family. We hope that this brings closure to some who so adamantly demanded it earlier. We don’t have all the answers and maybe it still doesn’t make since to you…but we know THE ONE who does. Do I ask why? Why not us Lord? Sure, I use to ask. But, not anymore. I gave it to the Lord. There is healing in that my friend.
Our family has moved on and tried to put the pieces back together, but there is a piece missing… we are now 5 and not 6. I still grab 6 spoons, or six plates. I used to break down and cry when that happened… but I look at it now as an opportunity to pray for him.
I’m thankful that we may only be 5 now, but we are a strong 5. God made us that way… he has healed many deep wounds and our family bonds are much stronger.
I still have a lego man that was left behind…It sits beside my bed. I will keep this little lego to remind me of God’s Faithfulness to Isaiah.. and that God’s plan is always better. It may not look like what we envisioned or planned… but, it is always Better. We just have to Trust.
Great is Thy Faithfulness! Lamentations 3:23